Finding Happiness

“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.” 

                                                                                  - Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

You know that feeling, when you know you are doing the right thing but instead of feeling good about yourself you feel that you’re only fooling yourself. It’s kind of similar to what I’m feeling right now.

I don’t want to feel stupid anymore; I don’t like what he makes me feel when I’m with him. I feel so powerless, so weak. With him it seems that I’m just a piece of crap. No value at all. He doesn’t dare to care and if I leave he wouldn’t even bat an eyelid. I don’t think I deserve any of that and I don’t think any girl deserve that either. Women are so precious and definitely not just something you can treat as trash, after countless times of self-debating, believe me it’s not some kind of a spur-of-the moment decision, I do what I think is right, and that is to put this mess to an end.

  “The greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.” 

                                                                                  - Martha Washington

I don’t wanna go back to that place;

 I don’t wanna see that girl again, that broken girl who holds grudges in her heart, that girl who’s so fragile,that girl who don’t have the courage to trust anyone except herself but that girl is gone and that fact must remain. So I think after this,everything will be alright cause I’m making things right, I’m applying the lessons I’ve learned from my past misfortunes and obviously I don’t wanna commit the same mistakes again but I don’t understand where this unsettling feeling is coming from, for some incoherent reason, 

I’m not happy.

“Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the womb of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it goes, simultaneously. The bigger the tree, the bigger will be its roots. In fact, it is always in proportion. That's its balance.” 

                                          - Osho, Everyday Osho: 365 Daily Meditations for the Here and Now

I know this would be hard but nothing in this crazy world that’s worth having would ever be easy and for me to find what I am looking for, I should learn first how to let go of the things that hurt me. I know it’s there, hidden in the clouds, hiding somewhere deep in the woods…hiding in the veins and arteries of my heart. It’s always there, with me all along. 

I just need to open my eyes and take a look at the things around me, not only the things I want to see. I need to focus on the beautiful things; I shouldn’t let the dreadful things get the best out of me. I need to take that step and leave everything behind cause at the end of this new path I’ve chosen, something good awaits and guess what that something good is?  HAPPINESS ….

xoxo

-dgt