Better

Maybe there’s a universe where I’m the right person for you. Where I adore every nice thing you did for me without starting to resent you. A universe where you actually end up with someone who appreciates you. Where no one becomes a doormat. Where both of us can shed our baggage and curiosity and issues. A universe where we’re happy without wondering if that happiness is some messed-up game ready to topple at the slightest quiver. A universe where we’re comfortable and sure. Where I don’t second guess everything and I’m not afraid of commitment and of the future and of love. Maybe there’s a universe without all the noise in my head and the pride that makes me so fiercely independent and the coldness in my heart that I can turn on and off like a security fence.

I’ve been acting like a complete lunatic these past few days I guess dealing with heartbreak and stress has forced me to act like one but realization dawned on me that I’m actually feeling better. I no longer check my phone for his messages, I rarely check his facebook account, I no longer want to talk to him, or even see his face; his smile. I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing, but what I know is that, it’s better. 

“Broken heart will turn into a stronger one within hope.” 

I never imagined myself to feel better actually. I imprisoned myself in his shadow, I can’t let him go, and I don’t want to let him go. I want to be there whenever he needs me or when he feels like he needs me, I’m consumed by him in a way that people don’t even understand, but the tables have turned I don’t feel anything, even a single thing. He used to mean the world to me and now I no longer care, I no longer care about his whereabouts, I don’t mind seeing him with other woman. I don’t hate him, I just don’t feel anything. I’m getting acquainted with this feeling of numbness, I always thought that pain is better than feeling nothing, but my heart got wounded countless times, that the only feeling left for my heart to feel, is the feeling of numbness, and to my surprise I actually prefer this feeling. Everything just feels so much better. 

He will never look at me the way I

wanted, he will never treat me 

the way I wanted to be treated 

and he will never ever give the

love that I deserve.

When he left, there’s one thing that I discovered about myself. All this time I thought I'm a selfish, cold, independent, self-centered bitch but I’m not as bad as I thought I was, I never contemplated that I am capable of loving without expecting anything in return, I give him more than what he deserves. If I can love the wrong person that much, imagine how much I can love the right one. Right now, I know for a fact that things between us will never work out, before I was blaming myself, I’m so scared, I’m letting him in but at the same time I’m not letting him in, I allow him to touch my heart but his touch didn’t reach my soul, I feel all the butterflies when I’m with him, that warm tingling feeling up and down my spine but there’s still a part of me that feels so damn cold, I used to blame myself because my innermost fear keeps on interfering, but now I feel like I’ve reached a certain level of maturity that made me realize that I can’t always blame myself , being too hard on myself wouldn’t make me feel better, it’s the other way around, it’ll make me feel worse. The thing is he’s not for me and I’m not for him, as simple as that, but he will always have a special place in my heart. I will be happy again I know I’ll be happy again. I just need to love myself a little bit more, I need to be strong because in God’s perfect time I’ll find love again.

xoxo

dgt